Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Just can't calm down

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've become increasingly agitated all night. I've been lying on my bed since midnight and I think I'm subconsciously winding myself up. 
I keep getting tingles through my body, I can't breathe calmly and I've had a bunch of heart palpitations.
I'm fine - I'm not ill, I know its just bad anxiety, but I don't know why! 

I'm thinking of everything all at once, and of course surgery is more than a frequent visitor for my thoughts, but I'm so frustrated because its not done, its not now and its been almost 8 weeks and I still have no orthodontist!!!

My head is in my hands - why do we do that when we're stressed? I want to cry but I know its so irrational. I want to talk to my best friend but I don't want to burden him. I want to punch my ex in the face but I don't want to see him. 

Its like I'm really really thirsty and nothing is quenching it!

I'm going skiing in France - on my own, in less than 2 weeks, and now I'm thinking is this a bad idea. What if I get lost? what if I forget how to ski? What if I make no friends? What if the old friend I'm meeting doesn't meet me? I wanted to have had surgery by now - I'm not ready to get on with things until then - it doesn't feel worth it!

I'm clogging up all of your relevant brace information with this - but just typing this up, organising and rationalising my thoughts is making me feel better - having to think before I type is helping. I don't know why this is happening now - its Christmas for gods sake!

I guess everything just catches up to you sometimes


  1. Take a deep breath Sophie; and another. You will get through this, just one baby step at a time. Christmas is a time of celebrating and being with those you love, and when you don't feel like celebrating, of course the reasons why will be running a race through your thoughts. I think skiing in France sounds like the perfect thing to look forward to. If your friend doesn't show, you'll meet new ones. Yes. You will. Hang in there - this is making you stronger & maybe that is what you need before you tackle surgery. PS - so jealous that you can pop on over to France to go skiing.
    Cheers, Ellie

  2. Thank you, Ellie, it was lovely to wake up to your message.

    I'm okay, just a moment of weakness maybe.
    I think I know what triggered my panic last night, the friend in France sent me a strange, unfriendly reply to my 'Merry Christmas' which made me feel like going to France would be a mistake. It turned out he was drunk and it was unintentional and I shouldn't have taken it to heart!

    An overreaction, I know.

    Today has been lovely - or normal, which ever, I spent time with my family, had a wonderful dinner and had a lazy day of tv!
    I hope you had a great Christmas and got lots of lovely things :) and again, Thank you x x x